This time of year I get letters and inquiries regarding all kinds of crazy advice that supposedly comes from “Coaches.”

Well, I’ve had enough. So I rewrote “The 12 Days of Christmas” and I call this “The 12 Days of Christmas: Obsessed/Psycho Fitness Coach Version.” Apologies for my terrible singing voice. This is based on actual advice I’ve heard being dispensed this time of year.

Enjoy, and Happy Holidays everyone!

♫ On the first day of Christmas, my Coach assigned to me… ♫
No carbs for all of Januar-eee!

♫ On the second day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
2 hours extra cardio, and No carbs for all of Januar-eee!

♫ On the third of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio, and no carbs for all of Januar-eee!

♫ On the fourth day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio, and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the fifth Day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the sixth day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
6 less meals, 5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the seventh day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
7 less starches, 6 less meals, 5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the eighth day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
8 days of green beans, 7 less starches, 6 less meals, 5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the ninth day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
9 days of cleansing, 8 days of green beans, 7 less starches, 6 less meals, 5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the tenth day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
10 grams of fat burners, 9 days of cleansing, 8 days of green beans, 7 less starches, 6 less meals, 5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the eleventh day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
11 spears asparagus, 10 grams of fat burners, 9 days of cleansing, 8 days of green beans, 7 less starches, 6 less meals, 5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the twelfth day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me…♫
1200 calories, 11 spears asparagus, 10 grams of fat burners, 9 days of cleansing, 8 days of green beans, 7 less starches, 6 less meals, 5 meals of tilapia – 4 boot camp classes, 3 stalks of broccoli, 2 extra hours cardio and no carbs for all Januar-eee!

♫ On the thirteenth day of Christmas my Coach assigned to me… ♫

– nothing! Because I fired his obsessed, psychotic ass and went and celebrated the season with my family.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!